Alot has happened.

I haven't written a blog in a while and I thought today it was about time I did.

Alot happened last year...I lost my job, I lost my father to cancer and I lost my way in life. Anyone who has lost a loved will know that it makes you re-think your life. It makes you realise that life is too short and needs to be enjoyed. I went through so many emotions losing my dad. He was like my best friend, my protector and he always knew how to put me at ease. He had a way with words and if I was confused about something I could speak to him and just know what to do. Not to mention the fact he was 1 in a 1,000,000! He had the best sense of humour, the most brilliant mind and was one of lifes truely selfless people. There will never be another person like my dad and I will always miss him.

It's now 5months on and the thing I can't seem to grasp it how the pain I feel of having lost him seems magnified. The confusion I feel in trying to understand I won't see him again is heightened and my heart is feeling heavier than ever. BUT people in the know have told me this makes perfect sense...Apparently it shows I'm begining to accept he's gone..Something I didn't think was possible but I suppose in a way I did kind of realise the other day that he's gone...I know I'll see him again one day but not for a long while.

I don't know if anyone out there believe that dreams can mean something more than just confusion. But I had TWO dreams that REALLY stood out to me and I sought out guidance from a good friend as to what they mean. Both dreams had some very odd imagery to them and made me wake up with a frown. The interpretation shows that I feel as though a part of myself has died (which again anyone who has lost a loved one will know that's how you feel) One of the dreams involved old gravestones which represents that I am looking for an old part of my personality. I found this particularly strange as I have mentioned to my boyfriend on numerous occassions that I just want to feel how I used to 6 years ago. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer 5 years ago and ever since then I changed...I didn't laugh as much, I got more serious, I was more quick to snap and I just lost motivation. Whereas 6 years ago I felt young, fresh, happy and free spirited. As I'm only 24 I DO NOT feel that I should feel so pessismistic...I'm STILL only young. The other parts of my dreams were interpreted to mean I am trying to find my way back to a creative side of my personality (this is most definitely true I used to have an aspiration of being a theatre actress and is something I am currently looking to get back into) The dream interpretation also shown that I have an obstacle to get over and will have to work hard to achieve my dreams but that my dad will be guiding me EVERY step of the way believes in me.

I felt so enlightened with the interpretations of BOTH dreams that I am now feeling quite determined, optimistic, nervous, excited and somewhat child like of what my future could hold. You see it took losing my dad to realise that all those years ago NO ONE else stopped me from achieveing my goals OR believing my dreams but myself. I used to think LIFE was being cruel and throwing crap at me constantly but I now realise that I have more control over my life than I thought and it feels good.

SO what next? WELL it may be a little later than MOST people BUT I am currently typing up a list of New Years Resolutions and I am SO determined to follow them all through. I will be blogging more often than usual so watch this space. By the way...I shall ALSO be posting my RESOLUTIONS...I'd love to hear what you make of them and would love any support ANY of you could offer me!

Much love to all

Gina Smith

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